for the art show i am making a piece about my experience with body dysphoria as something related to my experience with girlhood….. which i see as an “intrinsic” part of who i still am, though have also grown to disidentify with.basically how i feel defeated in claiming “femme” as something outside the gender binary…but focusing less on the defeat and more on the aspects of individual fantasy//desire which continue to drive me forward in finding my identity. it will be a small textile/embroidery series which ~as a process~ i hope will replicate/become a part of my self care routine as i methodically stitch together and **mend** fabrics.
anxious and sweating realizing i’ve spent a lot of my summer watching chopped and trying to ignore the fact that i’m sofucking unhappy here and i dONT FEEL INSIDE MY BODY A LOT OF THE TIME,i am going to clean my room.i am going to clean the kitchen. i am going to record a song. start my art piece for the show on aug8th
funniest part is. Right after that dream i woke up n drove to China town n right after i parked my car i was waiting to cross the street when a man came up to me, looked me in the eyes, spoke something In Spanish and handed me a pamphlet about Satan
wow o.k. i had a dream last night i was washing my face and srubbing my eyes and when i rinsed off and looked up into the mirror my left eye was completely filled in black so i took my finger and tried to touch it and get the black out and when i did it came out like thick sludge or melted glass And it all came out in the shape of a tear. It instantly hardened and when i held it to the light i could tell it was actually very very deep red no longer black like suddenly i was just outside in this garden taking selfies with it holding it above my head and the sun was blinding me and my face so all you could see were red lips a red tear drop above my head held in the palm of my hand and green leaves all around my face.then i woke up
i went into the city last night and saw neutral milk hotel for the second time and i didn’t cry as much as the first which is cool i guess.after the show we got really delicious free food because they made too much at the venue and needed to get rid of itso i had a kale salad with feta and radish and a mango blackberry icepop.it was delicious and i sorta bounced around while I ate it i felt like a very light being. On the way home .i got told by two strangers that i look like Jennifer lawrence that girl from the hunger games so i google imaged her and tried to imitate her smile for like 30mins while we sat on our delayed train.we sat backwards on the train and i realized why i love it so much..its like..when you are on your way home from nyc and its dark and you are traveling in reverse thinkin bout all the things you did while you were there yoy begin to let go of it all.even if it was a really good time it just feels so purifying and lifting to imagine it all being erased. Like you are returning to somewhere you will feel 100% renewed.i wish i could feel tht feeling rn because for some reason there is a very heavy sadness with me and i don’t really know why but i am afraid of the weight returning. i am driving two hours alone to philly tn to hang with my roomie for the next few days I am thinking hopefully I will feel distracted enough to forget about the heavy sad